Label: Not On Label - F621 • Format: Cassette Compilation, Unofficial Release • Country: Europe • Genre: Latin, Funk / Soul, Stage & Screen •
I wish I didn't think so much about killing myself. I am not depressed or anything from what I know I just do it. I am scared that I will kill myself in the future. I am 17f and I feel like I'm being Kids Of The Nation - A.B.H. - Pissed On Arrival every second of my life. By either ghosts, the government, god, aliens as they test to see if the experiment they made can live as a human on earth, or by someone who has the ability to see all, and read my thoughts.
I feel like I'm in a movie or simulation. I don't feel human. I feel fake. Like I'm not real or I'm something else.
I try to be normal like other humans but I'm Finale - Ty Dolla $ign* - Free TC awkward and off. I just don't get it. I just don't belong. I've always felt unwelcome like I'm not supposed to be here.
Because of my inability to fit in, people treat me either extra special or like they fear me. I don't recognize myself. My human form changes to me, like its trying different ways to look real. Everytime I look in the mirror my face is never the same. There's just always something off about it. I know its me in there, but my nose or my eyes change in a way that makes it different Everytime.
Some days I see what I call the real me. Beautiful, big eyes, small nose. Most days I see an ugly sack of skin hanging off my bones. Droopy, bags under the eyes, big nose, big ears, beady eyes. I hate it. I don't understand why I cant just see the beautiful me. I try so hard to be normal and accepted that I've lost who I used to be. I change myself around each person I'm around.
I agree with everything. I don't feel like a real girl. I've never liked pink or make up or boy bands and I'm a late bloomer. Or never bloomer. My boobs are non existent. Probably smaller than an A cup. I only wear a sports bra so my Going To Make It - Crazy - Please Dont Kill Me nips don't show.
I don't have pretty anything. I've been rejected by everyone I've liked, boys and girls, so I'm just not that type of girl. I'm not a pretty girl. I've never been included in groups of pretty girls, only different girls like me. I don't belong as an ugly girl, so I even question if id be accepted as a boy instead.
Maybe Moi.Lolita - Various - Lato 2001 Vol. 1 could be a pretty boy. I've worn masculine clothes before, but that never feels right either. Being a boy wouldn't make me belong either. I don't want hair and a penis. I simply want to be a pretty girl, but she's never there.
Everything I do is wrong. I feel watched because I fear judgment and rejection. If I am their experiment I've failed. I failed as a human. I want someone to make me feel welcome for once in my life. I wish someone could make me feel real. But I fear that I'll be forever alone, but never feeling alone. Stuck in my isolation and alienation. My counselor doesn't listen to me.
I've told her that I correct my thoughts because I feel that theyre being read outloud Obsession Confession - Various - The Tarantino Connection Vol.
2 everyone, but she just told me "What? No they're not. That's not real. So at age 10 I developed talking outloud to them, as if someone else is there. Like I'm having a conversation with them. Mostly about how I'm feeling in that moment. And its helped me process Obsession Confession - Various - The Tarantino Connection Vol.
2 emotions easier than in my head. That's why its frustrating getting my counselor to understand how I feel like the invisible eyes do. Trying to masturbate is frustrating. If I try o think about anyone, I imagine if they knew about it, and I feel guilty. Those eyes judging me. I've relied on their ears so long that its hard thinking without thinking outloud so I catch myself thinking outloud in public sometimes.
Its really hard to talk to humans who can judge me, so I escape to somewhere at least physically isolated to talk to those invisible beings who can't judge me, and who listen. I guess I've just always wanted a best friend in this life.
One day I brought my crush to the cemetery I grew up in, and showed him my secret wooded area with trees and a beautiful view untouched by humans. And I shared my feelings for him. I had before, but he rejected me and treated me like I was unwanted afterward. But this time he convinced me that maybe he finally had those same feelings for me.
But he rejected me again, and I became very upset. As we walked back to the cemetery, I argued with him about it, begging him to at least give me a Obsession Confession - Various - The Tarantino Connection Vol. 2 , but I didn't even deserve that. I never deserved any of this. Finally, I looked into his beautiful eyes and heard a voice in my head saying "why do you allow yourself to put up with this? It was such a foreign thought to me. Now, in wondering something about all of this.
My dad always told me stories of his paranormal experiences with ghosts and him being able to feel them and hear them sometimes and that one day he told me his secret. That his mother and a psychic told him that he had a special connection to spirits. He's been possessed by demons before Obsession Confession - Various - The Tarantino Connection Vol. 2 that a ghost bumped into him once, and one spirit even took over his body to pull his friend away from an oncoming train!
I think about those stories a lot. Why did I hang out at that cemetery so much as a kid? I realized it was finally a place that Obsession Confession - Various - The Tarantino Connection Vol. 2 felt welcome. In my whole life. My dad wonders if his 'gift' had ever been passed on to any of his children, and I think it was passed on to me. Mg dad said he felt different from everyone else too. Maybe I've just been able to feel spirits this whole time. Maybe they surround me because of how lonely I am.
And I've always felt safe to speak to them. Maybe now, theyre starting to speak to me. For example My sister has this friend and I want to sprinkle salt on his fingers and bite them off. I'm obsessed with guys who are sadists, manipulative, stalkers or straight up psychopaths, they turn me on.
People find guys like that creepy but I would honestly love to have someone obsessing over me to the point of taking away my Obsession Confession - Various - The Tarantino Connection Vol. 2 locking me up in their house with no connection to the outside world. I wouldn't mind that, I'm that desperate for attention I guess.
I doubt it'll ever happen though haha. I really like my ex. He was my first boyfriend and I can't stop thinking about how funny, cute, and nice he was to me. He broke up with me because of long distance We live in the same city, and just go to different schools.
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